Chico y Chica
Artwork by Jethro
(About Ernie from Lifes Halt and his totally, totally awesome girlfriend, Rebecca. This song was their wedding present. Hopefully only by coincidence the wedding was called off hours after receiving this.)

A chico and a chica, Ernie and Rebecca
Making plans to rock together forever
He loves she and she loves he
AC/DC meets the Latin Heat
I wish you both the best
Because you both deserve it
Because you both have earned
Because I love you guys

Luv Song
Artwork by Craigums
Backhanded inspiration, slow graduation
Intentional, outgrowing the role
Of ‘human’ under the guise of an addiction
Transcend into legend
I’ll miss you, my friend

Sometimes the joker, sometimes the fool
Always the exception to the rule

So sing me a song about how society sucks
And people treat you like shit – and I’ll get it

And a good story to tell
About a spirit who sailed through this world
He left a lot of luv and a lot of words
He affected and infected
And we loved it
And we won’t forget it

Emotions all over the map
Overactive seismograph
Climbing to a crash
He left so much behind
I almost feel dried up
A candle next to the sun

Sometimes the voice some
Sometimes the silence
Always armed with ideas

Cool as Corpses
Artwork by Jethro
The cloud hangs thick in the air
Like a wet towel on the line
Someone strikes another match
Another part of me dies

My eyes are burning red
And I’ve got a runny nose
I can’t stop coughing now
Cuz I’ve got this itch in my throat - It won’t die

Bronchitis for all of us
We’re all gonna die
Yellow teeth, yellow hands, yellow clothes, yellow friends
We’re all gonna die
Smoker’s breath means smoker’s death
We’re all gonne die
So light up, smoke butt
We’ll be cool as corpses when we die
We’re all gonna die, thanks to you.

International Porn Star Nuts Day
Artwork by Dug
Livermore, Califor-nia 1997
Who has the guts to shave their nuts?
No one volunteered
So we all agreed, November 15
We all show up with shearn nuts
Whose got the most fur?
Petesa or the Colonel Matthew Von Burink?

Whoa, man. Attenuate your Easter eggs

Commemorate, celebrate November 15
Porn Star Nuts Day

Whoa, dude. We’re going international

We shaved our nuts, we Nair’ed our nards
We tickled our taints and we sheared our scrots

“I’m Alex, I misinterpreted
Shaving my ‘nuts’
as shaving ‘everything, that’s between
my knees and my neck’
I shaved my sac, I shaved my pits
I tried to shave my ass-crack!”

Whoa boy. You bet that shit would itch!

“But I celebrated and commemorated November 15
Porn Star Nuts Day”

Like, whoa. We’re going international

Sweet-ish
Artwork by Jethro
(Much thanks to Daniel and the rest of the guys from Bruce Banner for the encouragement, the map, and the car. I would also like to thank them for making excellent thrash music for and by people over 30.)

E4 South in a borrowed Bug
I’ve just showered, shaved
I’ve just laundered, scrubbed
I haven’t combed my hair since 1994
But she didn’t mind that before

Not one to impose
I still brought a change of clothes
And hid them in the back,
Next to my sleeping bag
Which I thought I should have
In case things went bad

But tonight’s just me and Ms Linköping 2003
The stereo’s on 4 while we’re on the floor
Rolling to the tune of the Hellacopters
Tonight’s just her and me
A Yucky Yank and a Sexy Swede
The stereo’s on Loud while we’re on the ground
Listening to the sounds
Of Skit System and Tötalitar
And The Accursed and Kent

She has a scar on her cheek on the right
Just below the other scar that she got from frostbite
She’s got burns on her arms that help add to her charm
She’s kind of a klutz, she kinda dabbles in harm

Sitting naked on her deck
No time to lament our 12 hours left
I was part of her complete breakfast
Cereal, toast, neck, breast

I sang to her, she tried not to smile
I said, “Give it up, it might be a while
Till I see something that bright again”
She started to laugh and I said, “I win.”

Sophia, so sweet-uh, Sophia, so almost as tall as me-uh
Sophia, so gorgeous, so what if she’s foreign
So what?

Dick Parade
Artwork by Jethro
(This was inspired by the third time I was threatened by a girlfriend’s gun-toting ex-boyfriend.)

It was past 2 o’clock when we heard the knock
I was banished to the kitchen with a ‘hush’
Sat by the light of the oven
Near a tray of vegan cookies in a half-dressed state of confusion

He was still knocking when she finally got the door
He received invitation, no salutation
Just a ‘Leave me alone’

He didn’t care about her fear
He was unaware I was so near

But of course he loves her still
Why else would he be standing there, unaware of his mistakes
How his heart aches, how her knees shake, for my gosh sake – just leave her alone!

Kept at bay
Sent on his way
But how was it he knew my name?
If I never told him and you never told him, then how?

It was past 3 o’clock when she turned the lock

Not about to blame himself – no, he had to be creepy
So he used his friends to find his enemy
He’s got regret and he’s got spite
He’s got a gun and he just might
Support his threats – is true love finding someone you can kill?

Cookies And Love
Artwork by Jethro
She always giving me cookies and love.

Salty Dwarf
Artwork by Dug
Two weeks by the Bay
Two weeks in my bed
She left no evidence except that stuff in my head
She licked my face after a show and called me her Salty Dwarf

She left me across the sea
I’m in the States, she’s in the army
Eating falafel, serving her country
I miss her tattoos and her piercings

Before meeting up with me
She had the opportunity
To see more the 250
Metal bands in Milwaukee
Got an Impaled long-sleeve shirt for free

Got her first tattoo at age 13
More metal than you, more metal than me
Spikes and studs make up her jewelry
Black metal to her is just too wussy, ben zonah

‘Black metal,’ she says, ‘is tepeche mode’
‘ They’ve got make up and they’ve got keyboards
Take your crummy religion away, I can’t take anymore
Take your cheesy goth imagery and just gimme more gore!’

All Branches, No Trunk
Artwork by Dug
(Joseph Merrick – aka the Elephant Man – had a condition that, among other things, prohibited him from lying down, even to sleep. After many social breakthroughs Merrick continued to push himself to be as ‘normal’ as possible. He practiced civility, studied art, and tried his best at acting like the high society he looked up to. One night, after a series of social and emotional successes, he was compelled to sleep ‘normally.’ He died in his sleep. On one hand it was sad that he died trying to be like other people, but he also died in the pursuit of fulfillment.)

If you’ve never had a chance on the inside
But found yourself peaking in
Nevermind that they try to hide
Just turn around and keep on trucking
Freaks, take solace
Gimps, you are not alone

“If I could reach from Pole to Pole
And cross the ocean with a span
I would be measured by the soul
The mind’s the standard of the man”
- Joseph Merrick

It’s too often true
Often that which we aspire to
Is well within our grasp
More often than any of us are prone to have thunk
Icons are all branches and no trunk

Sitting up to sleep, dare a man to dream
To be like other people and sleep with a head on the pillow?

Sleep, endless sleep, joyous sleep
Dying for a dream

There’s No L In Fool, Foo
Artwork by Jethro
It’s onani o’clock, if you need me
Behind the hollyhocks is where I’ll be
My hands are soft, my eyes are crossed
My ears are burning red
My mind’s a Rolodex, each image it’s own card

There’s no L in Fool, Foo!

I smell Dirtboy, beware of Dirtboy
Cheese-spackling, piñata-pushing dirty, dirty Dirtboy
Smells like an ape, reads like a book on tape
I am the Dirtboy

There’s no L in Fool, Foo!

I don’t believe in the fortune, I believe in the cookie
Master P Theater on the BET
Totally way fuckin’ mega anti-extreme….On Right!

To All The Girls I’ve Ever Thought About Loving Before
Artwork by Craigums
She sprung out of bed and bound toward the window
Ran her shaking hands across her cat
Sighned and smiled at the moon, propped on her elbows
My eyes and my future ran down her back

She is comfortable and confident and mine, she is a sign
There’s something out there more important to me than me
How did I land this? Flushed chest, pursed lips
She’s a gift and I’m a kid on xmas eve.

How could one whole night go by so fast?
I woke up late, sad that she’s not there
If you ever woke up next to her you’d understand
Thank you, basement – her scent’s still in the air (like you care…)

I was lost but now I’m found
Got my head out of the ground
A boon for a baboon is she
When I’m approaching death, eyes blind, ears deaf
I will turn to her and I will say nice feet? Nice teeth? Lice sheet? Dice cheat?

To all the girls I’ve ever
Thought about loving before
To all the ones who ever crossed my mind or gave me their torch
Well, I’m sorry to say
Uh, yeah, I’m sad to report
That someone of the dancing, thinking, sexy, gourmet, goodwill sort has

Filled that position, stole me attention, made me so spun
She’s no Plain Jane, no Simple Sarah
Like Dorothy into Oz – black, white and grey turned into technicolor
No wonder why her ex is pissed,
I know now what he’s missing out on

Hold me closer, tiny dincer
Use your arms and
Use your legs for
Holding me closer, tiny dance
Use your arms and use your legs for holding me closer

Misfortune Cookie
Artwork by Jethro
Flirting made easy when it comes with a return
I followed her home and I left the following morning
Her love of the middle east and of Crass and the Cure
Kept bringing me back and kept keeping me near
As did her veggie diet and her unabashed way
Of fitting ‘penis’ in every conversation
Abstinence makes the loins grow fonder
And her silhouette had me won over (and over) (and over again)
March moved smooth but April started to prove
That our dancing hearts caught opposable grooves
Hers headed north while mine dipped sharply south
Difference of mind difference of mouth

She fled home and sustained herself on the streets like you’d imagine any teen runaway escaping the confines of a heavily religious household. The undergrounds and netherworlds of LA nearly killed her but this girl’s grandmother took her in and gave her what her immediate family did not – love, support, understanding and sugared breakfast cereals. I meet her years later. She’s living in San Francisco as a paralegal with just two small steps left towards her degree. She’s rocking steady, as they say. At nights she exposes and manipulates her curvy, pale skin to help live cuz SF rent is like that.

Our nights were spent very visual, very physical, very tactile
Just the slightest bit emotional but then that’s what you get when the skivvies fall

A couple months later her attributes slowly gave way to certain realities. On a logistical level she lived too far away and between work and school and making noise I just couldn’t commit. But honestly, on a visceral level I had lost the spark. Let’s backtrack: whenever I would get in trouble I would tell the authorities my name was Jeff Bist, that is until I started realizing the real Jeff Bist was getting into far more serious trouble. Since then I decided no more faking it. Her list of Pros was long but her list of Cons was heavy and while she looked good on paper in my heart she did not. And that’s how I found myself in the very unusual position of doing the dumping.

It was going good and that’s just too bad
Subconscious looked for things it knew she didn’t have
It was unfair but it was out of my command
I was a dumb jerk - I was angry and sad

Expecting her to be home I called from work. I left a message – we have to talk. I left another message a few hours later – we really have to talk. I got home from work to find a few messages from her, each like little road signs showing the steady decline of her day. We talk. Knowing only that I called and not knowing why, she itemized how her day had gone from bad to worse. I had to be honest. I had to tell her. I did. She handled it well. Very well. Injured but resilient. One of the things I liked about her. She answered the other line and came back a couple minutes sobbing uncontrollably. Her grandmother – the reason this girl is still alive – just passed away.

I didn’t sign up for this, please take me off the list
All I wanted was peace, no more, no less
Well oh well, and my oh my…so much for being the sensitive guy – what a dick!
I offered Sorry, what more could be said?
Then I just listened for an hour feeling angry and sad
If we all have to endure it, then it must be important
To feel angry and sad

Mr Ruptured Sharp
Artwork by Dug
Today just proved that anything can happen
That acting like yourself (and not just acting)
Will eventually pay off, my friend
And if you’re lucky it might be
Just what you wanted

It happened so slow, two years ago
My heart stopped in Oakland and just woke up in San Francisco
Now we’re lying here, nose to nose, toe to toe
I hope she knows just what she’s doing
Cuz at this point I can’t help myself anymore

Whack! Alakazaam! How did I wind up in her bed again?
Our voices dropped, tracing her with my hand
Wrapped in an afghan hiding the body I remembered she had